breezybaby

I had so much fun dancing with her today. She’s always smiling and laughing, and she makes me laugh. No one but Gabe makes me laugh like her. Being a mom is awesome, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I think I had a pretty good day today. I didn’t do as much exercise as I should have but honestly, I was tired today. I’ve been really tired every day lately. I’ll usually sleep from like midnight to 8 or so, but I wake up at least twice a night to go potty or change Cailyn, so I’m wondering if thats why I feel so tired in the morning and all day. Tomorrow morning I’m going to start taking my vitamins again to see if that helps give me energy throughout the day. I ate about 1350 calories today, give or take a few. I sipped on Lipton green tea and water all day so that helped curb my cravings to binge, I think, because I didn’t really have a problem with it today.

 Blogging is really helping me out, as well as keeping a food journal. This site is awesome, I’m so glad I found it. Hmm… I miss Gabe. He’s in Chicago until tomorrow or Friday. He just texted me and it said “I love you, you are my number 1″ and I was like awwe how sweet He can be such a sweetheart… I went tanning for 15 minutes today and I look like a lobster, but its ok, it doesnt really hurt or anything. I love tanning… I know is not really good for you but it makes me feel so good (: Well, I’m off to do my situps and then going to get some shuteye.

I’ve never really watched this show before, probably because I barely watch any TV at all. It’s good, though. It’s pretty motivating… I need a trainer like Jillian, haha.

I started keeping a food journal today. I ended up eating 1525 calories, which I think is pretty good, but I might need to start eating even less. I almost binged today… I was super sleepy so I layed down to take a nap with Cailyn. We had just fallen asleep when the phone rang, and it woke both of us up. I was so ready to go right back to sleep but Cailyn wasn’t, so we were up. I was frustrated and cranky, so I started to eat some everything french bread, not the best choice for a snack. After eating three pieces I was able to think about it and stop, thankfully. I don’t want to eat so much that I throw up anymore, I want control over myself.

I did about 30 minutes of my workout dvd, and about 30 minutes of walking/running intervals today. I think that running again will really boost my weight loss. I want to be able to run like I could 2 years ago when I was in the Army, when I was in the best shape of my life. If I didn’t have Cailyn I swear I would go back, I think about it almost every day. But I know that I don’t need basic training to get in shape, I can do it on my own. (:

When my show is over I need to finish my laundry, do the dishes, do my situps and pushups, and then I’m going night-night. I’m feeling really good about my day today. UGHHH I think I’m gonna cry! This show is friggin sad ):

Maybe if I write how I’m feeling daily I’ll see a pattern and figure out a way to change things. I’m pigging out right now, I have been for the past like hour. I had a VERY stressful day today. I broke down crying in front of someone I barely knew because I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I don’t really think I shold be that stressed out though… all I do is sit at home and take care of my baby girl and make sure the house is clean, dinner is cooked, and the bills are payed. I think I expect too highly of myself all the time so I end up getting disappointed in myself all the time. It doesn’t help, though, that Gabe is gone almost all the time now, and for the little time that he is home we fight… over NOTHING. I think we’re both stressed and extremely frustrated with our living situation (we’ve lived with my dad for the last year and a half and he has no respect for anything or anyone whatsoever) so we take it out on each other. I hate that we fight in front of Cailyn, I ask him not to all the time but he never listens.

When I was pregnant the doctors put me in Prozac because they said I was “depressed”. I took them all throughout my pregnancy but quit taking them as soon as I had her. I hate taking pills so much, I rarely ever even take some Tylenol for a headache. I’m starting to wonder, though, if I should start taking them again… maybe I really am depressed. Thats not something I like admiting, to myself or anyone else. I need to get myself back on a schedule of taking my pills in the morning, and that includes my multivitamin and other vitamins. It might even help me to stop these binges… is binge eating a sign of depression? I can’t live like this anymore… its a heart attack or something waiting to happen, and Cailyn needs her mommy.

 I don’t know, I need to sleep.  I hate rambling and complaining, but maybe I need to. Hopefully I stick to blogging and it helps me figure some things out.

So the last couple of days were pretty rocky, but I got myself back on track today. I did 3 out of 5 miles on my new Leslie Sansone dvd, and man oh man was it a workout. I was still breathing heavy like 10 minutes after I stopped, which reminds me.. I NEED to quit smoking. I don’t even like it anymore, it tastes nasty and gives me a headache. But I just can’t kick the habit. Honestly though, I haven’t really tried. Maybe one day soon I’ll just decide that enough is enough and quit, but I’m worried that it will screw up my weight loss.

 Gabe came home this morning. He works out of state a lot, and he’s been in St. Louis Missouri for the past week. He’s been sleeping all day because he was up all night driving, so I still haven’t really spent any time with him. I appreciate so much that he works so hard for me and Cailyn, but it does really suck that he’s gone so much. At first it’s kinda nice because we get a little break from each other, but I start missing him quickly. Today he asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas for my 21st birthday…. and get married! I said yes of course… what an awesome way to spend my birthday! And we pretty much are married already, just not legally, so why not tie the knot and get it over with, right? I’m still nervous about it though.. its a huge decision.

Well its pretty early but I think I’m going to call it a night. I’m exhausted, today was the longest day ever. I’m looking forward to spending time with Gabe and Cailyn tomorrow, my family. It feels so nice to say that (: